I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize