i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We have so much sex to catch up on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
