I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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