Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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