checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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