Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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