He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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