I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
