pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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