why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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