I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
