somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
