I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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