I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
