i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
