Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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