Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The best revenge is premature balding
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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