its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
