He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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