Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
