I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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