did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
