Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
