Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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