Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i love accidental penises.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
