currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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