I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
