so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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