how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
