Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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