Umm I'm too high to move.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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