i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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