I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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