Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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