I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
