how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize