Me too!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
