took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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