Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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