Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
