i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
