It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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