She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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