I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
