yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
