I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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