I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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