She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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