So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
