I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
