i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
