Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Everyone says I win the strip club
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
