Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
