my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
