Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
