My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
