I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
