even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
